A Cunning Disguise

Now prisoners of the evil Mr Zhanghyi the Major and I resolved to escape and make it back to British territory.

Using the lock picking skills he had acquired in public school, the Major was able to move about the camp and gather items that would be useful to our escape. Within a few weeks he had acquired cash and clothes from which we were able to confection two cunning disguises.

Then, one night, we made good our escape and headed towards the port where we attempted to board a junk bound for India. Unfortunately we were arrested and escorted back to the camp. The ships Captain was rather doubtful as to our real identity when confronted by a six foot Cha Wallah in a conical hat and Japanese Geisha sporting three weeks worth of beard. The Major also made the mistake of asking for a receipt.

I must say I thought the Major looked rather fetching as a Geisha.

The Colonel

The River Crossing

Having negotiated the river I was met by a rather perplexed Major who asked me how I had managed to cross so quickly. I replied that I had used the three logs floating in the river.

The Major replied that they were not logs but crocodiles.

That would explain the teeth marks in my boots then I quipped!!!!

The Colonel

The Witch Doctor

Having suffered an aching tooth for several days and with the camp physician indisposed with a rather unsavoury stomach complaint, I took the Majors advice and visited the local Witch Doctor in the nearby village of Doko.

I was carried on my litter to a small round grass hut where I was confronted by an old man clad in a leopard skin, clutching a chicken. After lots of chanting, he lit a fire in the hut and started placing leaves onto it, which generated a lot of smoke. The fellow then started to breathe in the fumes and giggle uncontrollably, it took several hard slaps to the face by the Major to bring him to his senses.

After more chanting and once the smoke had dissapated, the man placed the chicken upon my head. The bird did not move and remained sedately seated on my head for the next hour or so. Finally the Major returned and informed me that we had the wrong hut, the bloody fool.

The Colonel

The Ferocious Feline

In a bid to raise troops for the Egyptian campaign we crossed the Gulf and landed in British Somaliland.

After enquiries I was informed not to expect much of the men here as they spent most of their time chewing Cat. This was of much much interest to the Major who enquired as to why the local men were so fond of chewing Cat. Learning that it possessed certain relaxing qualities he set about finding one.

The following morning a rather vexed Major was found in the Physicians tent with scratch marks all over his face and a mouth full of hair.

The Cat in question turned out to be a plant and not the feline variety of which my wife is so fond and which I have shot accidentally on many occassions.

The Colonel

The Long Night

Following an especially long night with the Major and our comrade Sergei toasting everything in sight, I awoke to find myself suspended by my ankle from a Zeppelin somewhere over the Dalmatian coast

Pay Day

As an officer it is my duty to ensure that my men are paid on time for their services to queen and country. Unfortunately I seem to have lost the lot on a wager and have no means of paying them. It will 3 months until the next boat. I will be sure to request that the Major create a plausible story that will involve the locals, on which the men will no doubt take out their frustrations, thus keeping them occupied and their minds off the pay. I do have some regrets vis a vis the locals but then again at least I don't have to pay them.

The Colonel

The Window of Opportunity

Arriving early at his quarters after a night on the town with the local ladies, mostly wives of other officers, the Major found himself in a bit of a predicament. Having no key to his office and quarters he had no means of getting in. With great presence of mind he summoned several of the Pygmy porters and formed a human pyramid of which he was the summit. This position allowed him to access an open window to the office.....unfortunately this was not his office, not even the right building. It was infact the quarters of the Sergeant Major, a gruff fellow, who was rather disagreable about the whole matter, beating the Major to a pulp and re-expediting him back out of the window he had originally entered....

The Colonel

Wounded

'Old Shackers' had been wounded in action several times and as such, had trouble getting around. It was only at the Annual Officers Ball that the full extent of his injuries became apparrent. After a rather risque move that involved a twirl, of sorts, both his legs shot off in seperate directions taking out several of the other dancers. With great presence of mind the Major had him evacuated on a tea tray.

The Colonel

A Sound Thrashing

Having lost our carriage we strolled through a popular area of London. Walking the streets I marvelled at how people could cope living in such squalor. We were approached by several street urchins asking us for charity but I soon fended them off with my cane, administering a severe beating to both before placing a few pennies in their unconscious hands. Whilst I straightened my cane the Major commented 'You have to admire their resilience Colonel. Only the British can take such a sound beating and carry on'. 'Yes' I replied 'and as long as these chaps can, we will continue to extend the influence of the empire'

Fine Dining

In those days one would dress for dinner in the appropriate attire, nowadays people wear the most ghastly and inappropriate things, old beefies Indian head dress springs to mind. The major, for a while,adopted a pair of silk pyjamas and pointed shoes with bells on the end which he insisited on wearing to dinners and such affairs. Apart from the infernal ringing when he walked, he could not remain seated at the table for very long as he would just slide off the chairs due to the silk, a quick ''frrrrtt'' followed by a thud and the tinkling of small bells, the bloody fool...

Croquet

Croquet is for people who can't afford to play polo

The Leopard Skin Rug

I awoke to find myself abord a yacht in the roaring forties wearing only a leopard skin rug and one leather sandal

Teutonic Toilets

Finding ourselves lost in the town of Wendelstein and nature calling, the Major, using great improvisational skills found an Oompah band playing nearby and asked them in his best German -' Vere iz de toileten?' We soon found ourselves being chased through the narrow streets by a furious band. I dare say the lederhosen must have caused them terrible chaffing. Having finally shaken off the Oompah Band, (the Tuba player collapsed from exhaustion), we stopped once agin for directions. This time we stopped a passing priest, the Majors language skills came to the fore once more - 'Vere iz de toileten?'. The priest looking rather perplexed replied 'Half past two' in almost perfect english.

The Instrument of Death

Whilst visiting the Kakadu region in Northern Australia one of the aboriginal fellows approached me brandishing what appearred to be an oversized blowpipe similar to those used in South America. Having none of it the Major and I set about him and pummelled him to the ground where he lay for a while before being carried away by his fellow tribesmen. The Major having sucessfully disarmed our would be assailant picked up the pipe and blew into it emitting a rather low buzzing sound. Thereafter I found myself the victim of this infernal pipe whilst the Major amused himself for hours on end. One evening I removed the pipe from the Majors tent and took it back to the Aborigines. I was met by its orginal owner who was now sporting two, rather large, black eyes. Taking the pipe from me he beckoned me towards a gathering of his fellow tribesmen amongst whom I then sat. Surprisingly they all spoke english and referred to me as 'Mate' Several hours later I returned to our camp slightly worse for all the rum I had consumed and now having made friends with Mr Digeridoo.

The Colonel

The Hunt 'Day two'

We spied a lion this morning with what appearred to be the remains of an antelope in its mouth, sensing a great opportunity I called for my rifle and waited patiently whilst one of the chaps loaded it. We then set out to perform a flanking manouver downwind of the beast. We crept to within a stones throw of the lion devouring its meal. I slowly assumed the Widgley stance and leveled my rifle at the lion and fired...
The chaps all scattered into the bush screaming what must have been words of encouragement. With the lion now hot on my heels I found a baobab tree and quickly scaled it. This afforded me an excellent view of the ensuing mayhem as the lion turned its attention to those who had not found any trees....

'The Hunt'Day three
Still in tree

'The Hunt'Day four
Still in tree

Persian Relief

Whilst crossing the Salahaddin Massif with our Kurdish guide Bestoon, the Major observed him squatting once again by the roadside. Very annoyed, the Major, in a fit of pique, immediately reprimanded him for his laziness, whereupon he realised that the chap was relieving himself in the local fashion (something I have tried several times with disastrous results).

The Colonel

Extract from the Colonels journal

'The hunt' Day 1

No zebra, shot two locals, one was the guide....

The Major made tea and set fire to several acres of wild savannah.

Better luck tomorrow