The Zeppelin

The Hun were crafty buggers and had invented a dirigeable aircraft called a Zeppelin. But, having no stomach for war, had abandoned it in a hangar. Pinky, full of his usual bravado and alsatian beer, decided he would pilot the craft around the field, with his men hanging on to the guide ropes and various tethers. All went well until several gusts of wind blew him off course. Pinky, seeing his fate before him, decided to abandon ship, his men releasing the tethers and running for fear of being crushed by the monstruous beast. As Pinky dropped from the aircraft, his foot become entwined in one of the ropes and he was hoisted aloft, flailing and shouting, his little fat face tomato red...oh how we laughed.
The storm finally arrived and we retired to the shelter of the hangar which provided us with an excellent view of Pinkys predicament, I believe he was struck by lightening several times....

The Colonel

Fortunate son

....with his father as Surgeon General, he never made it into the Royal Navy, as he was diagnosed with 'shell shock' prior to recruitment. A world first, or so I'm told.

The Colonel

Early Breakfast

As the Major opened his eyes, he thought he was in heaven, but, as he came to his senses, he realised that the blank white sky he thought he was looking at was actually the underside of one of the dining tables in the Officers Mess. As he hoisted himself to his feet, he started to hear screaming and as he turned towards the door, there stood Buntie Rayham the hired help who was used and abused by Mrs Poutbottom Smythe ......He looked down and realised he was completely devoid of any item of clothing, and even more shocking, was the fact that his whole body had been completely shaved. Pygmies was his initial thought, however he knew this wasn't their Modus Operandi ......then suddenly Mrs Poutbottom Smythe appeared from under an adjacent table ....looking I might add, a bit the worse for wear.

It all started to come back to him ......things had got a bit boisterous in the Mess the previous evening .....one thing led to another, and after the Colonel had offered him the powdered Rhino horn things had took a turn for the worse, he knew this by the fact that he was wearing more of Mrs Poutbottom - Smythes lipstick than she was .......so if it wasn't the Pygmies who was it? He had a good idea who ....

The Major

Mrs Beatrice Poutbottom - Smythe

Which ever way you looked at things, the Major was not enjoying himself...stuck in a God forsaken outpost of the British 'Empire', his only entertainment was taking pot-shots at endangered species and also the natives, which incidentally were becoming increasingly endangered themselves.....in short....the Major was starting to lose his mind.

He was running dangerously low on ammunition when he smelled something strange, at first he thought the lavatory in the mess was blocked again, however on closer inspection he discovered that it was indeed.......perfume....there was a female in close proximity!

That evening in the Mess, the Major, who by 8pm had drank half his body weight in Pink gin, was startled to find out that the female in question was none other than Beatrice Poutbottom Smythe, the younger sister of Jeffery Poutbottom - Smythe( Its a long story) with whom he had attended boarding school. Her husband, the new Padre, had been sent to set up a mission to help local tribes with their tattoo spelling, the Major decided at that point to find himself other means of entertainment. But little did he know that this would include non other than would be novelist Mrs Poutbottom Smythe...

The Major

Doctors advice

On my doctors advice I have ceased all fornication, I believe this will be of great relief to my lower regions.......actually I was being treated for constipation but the two can be easily confused as I discovered at boarding school, one inevitably follows the other.

The Colonel

Gin soaked pygmies

The pygmies had been at the gin again, we had to put the supplies out of reach, knee high should have been fine but we had not taken into account their great improvisational skills, they were on their stilts in a jiffy and orff with the gin with us in hot pursuit.
Some of them had frightfull falls during the pursuit, toppled from their stilts. Vertigo is sometimes a problem for Pygmies, as Shackerly Bennet the great naturalist often observed, but great entertainment.
We had some of the tribe perform a dance at the officers mess and had to throw out three of them for indecency. Fortunately only the front row saw anything.
One was accidentally crushed in a stampede when the bar opened. Old Pinky shouted mines a gin and that was the last we saw of the little bugger, they found his loincloth, heavily soiled of course.

The Colonel (Stolen from the Majors diary)

Pinky on the pole

Old Pinky had been at the gin for several days, they found him lashed to a bamboo pole suspended 15ft off the ground, smelling of juniper....his underwear had been removed, which was quite common for him.

The Colonel

The Shoot

It was around News Years, we were on a shoot. We were strategically placed down wind of the beaters as they cleared the woods of pheasants, partridge and the odd rabbit. I myself had an exceptional mornings shooting, having bagged three pheasants and one rabbit. It was going exceptionally well until the Vicar appeared, bursting out of the woods to our left, shouting about a wedding or some such nonsense. He was met, I'm afraid to say, by a volley of shoots.
Some of the wounds were superficial others less so. Had it been one of the farm hands, it would have been of little consequence, but I received a somewhat irate letter from the Archbishop of Canterbury demanding a formal apology and a voluntary contribution to the Church of England and my attendance at Sunday mass. Fortunately for the Vicar he delivered mass from a standing position as I am told he had many problems assuming a seated position with any degree of comfort for many months thereafter.

The Colonel