A Cunning Disguise

Now prisoners of the evil Mr Zhanghyi the Major and I resolved to escape and make it back to British territory.

Using the lock picking skills he had acquired in public school, the Major was able to move about the camp and gather items that would be useful to our escape. Within a few weeks he had acquired cash and clothes from which we were able to confection two cunning disguises.

Then, one night, we made good our escape and headed towards the port where we attempted to board a junk bound for India. Unfortunately we were arrested and escorted back to the camp. The ships Captain was rather doubtful as to our real identity when confronted by a six foot Cha Wallah in a conical hat and Japanese Geisha sporting three weeks worth of beard. The Major also made the mistake of asking for a receipt.

I must say I thought the Major looked rather fetching as a Geisha.

The Colonel

The River Crossing

Having negotiated the river I was met by a rather perplexed Major who asked me how I had managed to cross so quickly. I replied that I had used the three logs floating in the river.

The Major replied that they were not logs but crocodiles.

That would explain the teeth marks in my boots then I quipped!!!!

The Colonel

The Witch Doctor

Having suffered an aching tooth for several days and with the camp physician indisposed with a rather unsavoury stomach complaint, I took the Majors advice and visited the local Witch Doctor in the nearby village of Doko.

I was carried on my litter to a small round grass hut where I was confronted by an old man clad in a leopard skin, clutching a chicken. After lots of chanting, he lit a fire in the hut and started placing leaves onto it, which generated a lot of smoke. The fellow then started to breathe in the fumes and giggle uncontrollably, it took several hard slaps to the face by the Major to bring him to his senses.

After more chanting and once the smoke had dissapated, the man placed the chicken upon my head. The bird did not move and remained sedately seated on my head for the next hour or so. Finally the Major returned and informed me that we had the wrong hut, the bloody fool.

The Colonel

The Ferocious Feline

In a bid to raise troops for the Egyptian campaign we crossed the Gulf and landed in British Somaliland.

After enquiries I was informed not to expect much of the men here as they spent most of their time chewing Cat. This was of much much interest to the Major who enquired as to why the local men were so fond of chewing Cat. Learning that it possessed certain relaxing qualities he set about finding one.

The following morning a rather vexed Major was found in the Physicians tent with scratch marks all over his face and a mouth full of hair.

The Cat in question turned out to be a plant and not the feline variety of which my wife is so fond and which I have shot accidentally on many occassions.

The Colonel

The Long Night

Following an especially long night with the Major and our comrade Sergei toasting everything in sight, I awoke to find myself suspended by my ankle from a Zeppelin somewhere over the Dalmatian coast

Pay Day

As an officer it is my duty to ensure that my men are paid on time for their services to queen and country. Unfortunately I seem to have lost the lot on a wager and have no means of paying them. It will 3 months until the next boat. I will be sure to request that the Major create a plausible story that will involve the locals, on which the men will no doubt take out their frustrations, thus keeping them occupied and their minds off the pay. I do have some regrets vis a vis the locals but then again at least I don't have to pay them.

The Colonel

The Window of Opportunity

Arriving early at his quarters after a night on the town with the local ladies, mostly wives of other officers, the Major found himself in a bit of a predicament. Having no key to his office and quarters he had no means of getting in. With great presence of mind he summoned several of the Pygmy porters and formed a human pyramid of which he was the summit. This position allowed him to access an open window to the office.....unfortunately this was not his office, not even the right building. It was infact the quarters of the Sergeant Major, a gruff fellow, who was rather disagreable about the whole matter, beating the Major to a pulp and re-expediting him back out of the window he had originally entered....

The Colonel